As I sit here typing this I am not even sure it is something I will ever publish or if this is just carthartic. If you do read the blog or follow me anywhere on social media you would of seen the multiple pictures and posts about being engaged. Well what a turn a few months can make. Without going into the ins and outs of how and what happened I thought I would write about how this break up feels and my thoughts on it. I have not been through a break up for over 6 years and really none of the others have affected me in the same way, which is expected.
Does true love exist?
This experience has made me wonder whether there is that one great love out there for everyone? That epic love, think Damon and Elena. If there is, was this mine and have I lost it forever? If not, maybe this was one of a few, something I am clinging onto for dear life through the pain to try and help me come out the other side.
Every single song I have listened to over the weeks have really resonated with me. Something that does normally happen a lot but especially in the current climate. You forget how a song can make you reminisce on great memories or evoke feelings of loss, grief and sadness. I am trying to steer clear of a lot of my normal playlists but I have found that even new songs on the radio can set me off. Songs like Kid Cudi – Pursuit of Happiness reminds me of our first holiday together. You Me at Six – Take on the World reminds me of wedding planning as it was one of the songs in the shortlist for our first dance, even if he didn’t know it! Hopefully, I will be able to listen to these songs in the future and think of all the happy times we shared.
Since I have stopped wearing my beautiful engagement ring I have found that I touched it a lot more than I thought. I have noticed that subconsciously I reach for my ring finger more and with every touch a flood of emotion hits me. All of the what ifs, the 6 years of memories and it makes me remember everything that has happened. It is absolutely insane that a single piece of jewellary that can induce so many feelings with just one touch or glance, especially when that item is missing from what you thought would be it’s rightful home for the rest of your life.
It would appear that even through the misery and pain I have been invited out more by people, people I didn’t see as friends outside of work, and by the ones closest to me. Break ups make you realise who your real friends are and who is actually there for you when you need it. For that, I can say I have some fucking fantastic friends and I love them dearly.
In a week I somehow managed to lose over half a stone of weight, of which I couldn’t really afford to in the first place due to a steady unexpected weight loss over the last 18 months. Totally blaming that on stress. Having weighed myself and seeing the scales hit the low end of 7 stone I realised I haven’t been eating thanks to the lack of appetite and constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. This is something I am working on and hoping if I throw myself into a routine of food planning and potentially the gym it may help me to put that lost weight back on.
Living Together Post Break Up
Everything brings a memory, the one picture in the house of the two of you. The engagement frame gifted to you by his auntie. That bloody wardrobe that took a week to build between the pair of you. You don’t know what is going to set you off. From the outside people see that clock hanging on the wall but you remember is how excited you both were finding it whilst wandering around Ikea 2 years ago preparing for the house. Christ I have broken down over a cushion, a fucking cushion, who cries over a cushion? Me apparently, all because I remember the slight telling off I got when I brought home yet another bloody cushion.
A lot of people have expressed their shock over the demise of our relationship. As we have. The words ‘but you were so in love’ have fallen from many a persons mouth. But that is perception and perhaps also assumption. People tend to forgot that what you see in a snippet of time doesn’t count for the overall picture. The months of unhappiness on both parts is not seen by the people around you. They see you happy at a meal, laughing and joking with friends and family. Others see the very few photos that are posted on social media, which of course are smiling happy photos. What they don’t see is the arguments and sheer frustration with each other due to the lack of communication or understanding. What others see and how you feel can often be one and the same but at other times the opposite end of the spectrum.
Overall, this is a shit situation to be in what with losing a fiancee, family, wedding, house and dog but I am working on myself and trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel. We are currently getting on better than ever whilst waiting for the house to sell so that is a positive. I will somehow find a new place to live and decorate to make myself feel happy. Think blush pink, copper and plant babies! I will be more social and start heading out with more people. And you know, I might even have time for my blog again, something I am really going to be working on with a lot more enthusiasm in the coming months.
*All images are stock images from Pexels.