I have always been told I am highly strung but until recently I didn’t really understand why. Surely, it’s normal to want everything done correctly and to your own standard? Wrong. As I have started to take on more responsibilities in my home and work life I have finally started to understand the crushing feeling of anxiety that I have often read about, but only recently started to experience.
The warning signs should probably have been triggered after our first monthly shop when we bought the house. I banned my other half from putting away any of the food because I needed to do it and make sure it was in the correct place. Seriously, is anything bad going to happen if the cheese gets put in the wrong fridge drawer? No, the answer is no, but, my anxious little brain does not see it that way.
Something else I completely missed was the physical signs. Within a week or so of handing in my notice at work, (the job I returned to after 2 weeks, I’ll come back to that another time), I had my first ever full blown anxiety attack. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack and about to die, that being said checking my Fitbit to double check my heart rate was not the wisest of ideas and exacerbated the issue a lot more. From the jaw clenching to the racing heart, I could not see that anything was ever going to be OK. Luckily my boss seemed to pick up on exactly what was happening and continued to calmly make his lunch whilst talking to me in an equally calming tone to try and bring me down off of the ledge I hadn’t realised I had climbed.
That first attack happened way back in October and ever since I have found it hard to not think about it. As I sit here typing I am trying to use writing to get myself down off that same ledge that I have been climbing for the past hour. I have never thought to write about how I have been learning to live with something that cannot be seen and something I can’t understand.
This on top of time restraints has really hindered my blog. I have not had the confidence to post because I have struggled to ensure that every post and image is ‘perfect’. From the writing style not being quite right to one image being slightly blurry these minor things that many may not notice has stopped me from putting out any form of content. I have so many posts currently store in my drafts that were so close to being posted but that little voice in the back of my head pointed out the imperfections which have stopped them from being posted.
My plan is to try and control my anxious little brain better than I have done, or as well as I can. Instead of not admitting to myself or anyone else that something is wrong I am going to embrace it as much as possible. I am still unsure why I am really posting this, maybe it is to show that you can get up in the morning thinking everything is absolutely fine put on a full face of makeup, head off to work to find halfway through the day out of nowhere these feelings can appear and disappear at random. I am pretty sure being sat eating my lunch catching up on other blogs is not something that my brain can find as anxious, relaxing more like, however, the tight throat and racing heart still manage to find their way to the forefront.
A few things I have been trying to do to help control my anxiety I concentrate on something other than my pounding heart, one of the few things I have been doing is reading up on something I find interesting or want to learn. And watching Brenden Urie from Panic! at the Disco singing 38 minutes of Disney songs on YouTube does tend to help!
The main thing I am trying to remember is that everyone is human, nobody is perfect and you can never tell from the outside what is going on inside someone’s head whether it be sunshine and roses or complete and utter panic.